What I want for Christmas
People who know me know that I am quite passionate about the official start of the Christmas Season. Those of you who don't know me...well, Christmas season officially starts when Santa comes to town. When is that? When he rides down Broadway next Thursday morning on the Macy*s Thanksgiving Day Parade. Friday is the EARLIEST I want to see decorations in your yard. I have cut stores a bit of slack, because I have no problem with shopping early for financial reasons. Stores need to advertise their wares to get customers. I cut them some slack...but very little.
As a man of my Word, Nonny followed my request and gave me the topic of "What I want for Christmas." It is still too early for letters to Santa, but I'll just label this one a first draft. I'll revise it in exactly 7 days and mail it to Macy*s Attn: Santa.
Dear Santa:
I have been a very good Hitman this year. I only capped people who REALLY deserved it like that cocksucker who squealed to Big Eddie. I was very environmentally conscientious and disposed of the bodies carefully. I use ONLY bullets made in America and never waste them. Single shot to the back of the head. Aim for the heart when the chicken shits flee. I've spoil't my Misses quite well. In fact she still doesn't know about the affair I'm having with Amy (who has been spoil't as well). Both are covered gold, platinum, and diamonds. I have the receipts for most of them, even!
Therefore, for the reasons stated above, I believe I am entitled to a few gifts.
Santa, I know you have a lot on your mind this year. Probably tons of wieners clamoring for fuel efficient family sedans or Hummers. Guys who need chainsaws. Kids who need homes. Soldiers who miss their families.
Fuck 'em.
Bring me my shit or Mrs. Claus gets it in the kisser...and I won't be cheap on the holes.
Love:
Johnny "Clamps"
As a man of my Word, Nonny followed my request and gave me the topic of "What I want for Christmas." It is still too early for letters to Santa, but I'll just label this one a first draft. I'll revise it in exactly 7 days and mail it to Macy*s Attn: Santa.
Dear Santa:
I have been a very good Hitman this year. I only capped people who REALLY deserved it like that cocksucker who squealed to Big Eddie. I was very environmentally conscientious and disposed of the bodies carefully. I use ONLY bullets made in America and never waste them. Single shot to the back of the head. Aim for the heart when the chicken shits flee. I've spoil't my Misses quite well. In fact she still doesn't know about the affair I'm having with Amy (who has been spoil't as well). Both are covered gold, platinum, and diamonds. I have the receipts for most of them, even!
Therefore, for the reasons stated above, I believe I am entitled to a few gifts.
- First off, I need a new car. My 1920 sedan with gangster windows just won't cut it anymore. I need something with some speed, agility and stlye. Something along the lines of a Pagani Zonda c12-S 7.3 ought to do the trick.
- My revolver has seen better days. I've cared for it as long as I could, but sometimes I don't have time to clean all the blood out of it and now the silencer doesn't screw on straight and the dern thing jams. Something comfortable, plenty of rounds (I hate reloading after 6 shots), reliable, accurate, the smaller the better, and if it came with a silencer, well, that'd be cool. I hear Glock makes a nice weapon.
- I'm running low on garbage sacks, concrete, and rope. Oh, and only synthetic rope, that natural stuff makes me itch.
- I'm gonna need new shoes. These black and white saddle jobbers have no arch support. Black, size 11.5, Alligator skin. Throw in some Dr. Scholl's too.
- A new pair of gloves to keep my fingerprints fingers warm. Can't go wrong with Isotoners.
Santa, I know you have a lot on your mind this year. Probably tons of wieners clamoring for fuel efficient family sedans or Hummers. Guys who need chainsaws. Kids who need homes. Soldiers who miss their families.
Fuck 'em.
Bring me my shit or Mrs. Claus gets it in the kisser...and I won't be cheap on the holes.
Love:
Johnny "Clamps"
posted by John at 2:50 PM
5 Comments:
Dear Johnny,
I was rummaging around for bargains on the internet when I found the draft of your letter. I am glad you are planning ahead for Christmas. Can you believe the people who leave it till the last minute?
It's been a hard year financially, and I'm afraid that my supplies are a little low. (Who do people think pays for all of their presents? That's right, the Claus family.) I have the elves working on your rope, though. Just think-- real elvish rope! As we speak, Mrs. Claus is knitting your new gloves.
As far as your threats to Mrs. Claus goes, ho ho ho, I'd like to see you try, young scalliwag. I may be jolly, but I haven't been defending my Fortress of Solitude for 2000 years simply with my charm and good looks, if you get my drift.
With Affection,
Santa Claus
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Cross that car off honey, I've already put in the order;)
ps: that deleted comment was mine. I made a huge grammatical error and couldn't live with myself.
Hey! That letter from Santa Claus has my Landlady's fingerprints all over it.
J, I've shot a Glock. I wasn't impressed. It didn't kick like I was told it would (which I'm thankful for, but it was a let down). I couldn't hit the broad side of a barn, despite the fact that I made a tin can dance with my .22 rifle. The sights on the Glock glow which is actually very distracting. So, unless one is an excellent shot (which, I'm sure you are, but still...) and needs a weapon that will inflict massive damage with great mangling involved, I really don't recommend it. A Colt .45...now that's a whole different story. The older the better, definately. If it's old, have it blued, whether the seller says it has been, recently, or not. Go for the pearl handle. It adds to the resale value and/or the nostalgic value when it's handed down to generations. Umm, I recommend the Colt. Obviously.
What I want for Christmas is a ride in that car with you. Or at least just a "ride", Baby. And to meet all my blogger pals.
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