My letter to Cingular
Dear Cingular,
I've been a 'valued customer' for three years now. I'd like to share a few things with you that have really rusted my pistol.
1. You're 'all-over network' isn't. Have you ever had a body float and need to call Frankie to bring the boat so you can put that squealer at the bottom of the Mighty Mississip? Well, 'all-over' must not include the Mississippi River.
2. When I miss a call and the caller leaves voice mail, my phone displays "1 New Voicemal. Call?" Only AFTER I say "no" does it display "1 Missed call. Call from 'Frankie Cell'". Well, how the fuck am I to know if I want to call my friggin voicemail if I don't know who its from? I mean, shit, voicemails are not all the same. The Boss's calls get returned within seconds, whereas Frankie, well, he likes to just waste my time (friggin rookie). He can wait.
3. While she sounds like a hot chick, that voicemail bitch wastes the fuck outta my time. When I go to my "messages" menu, I see Voicemail = 1. So I know I have one new voicemail message. When I call, this bimbo precedes to tell me "You have one new voicemail. The following message has not been heard" NO FUCKING SHIT, SHERLOCK! As if I was too stupid to see the fucking "1" on my menu, you have to have this broad tell me TWICE how many unread messages I have? Get to the fucking messages already!
4. Your competitors all have some form of unlimited text messaging--weather it be unlimited for $5/month like Cellular South or unlimted to "in" customers like Verizon. You, on the otherhand are stealing $20 a month just to get 2000 text messages. With all my neighbors on unlimited plans, I can get to 2000 pretty quick, so you start charging me $0.03 per message...that adds up fast, too. Ya cheap fuckin bastards.
Finally, I would like to wish all of you at Cingular Wireless a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! May Santa see past your cheap acts and grant you stockings full of joy. May your New Year be prosperous. May you hire some programs who know what the fuck their doing and fix all my problems....cuz I know where you live and I have a bullet with your name on it!
Johnny "Clamps"
I've been a 'valued customer' for three years now. I'd like to share a few things with you that have really rusted my pistol.
1. You're 'all-over network' isn't. Have you ever had a body float and need to call Frankie to bring the boat so you can put that squealer at the bottom of the Mighty Mississip? Well, 'all-over' must not include the Mississippi River.
2. When I miss a call and the caller leaves voice mail, my phone displays "1 New Voicemal. Call?" Only AFTER I say "no" does it display "1 Missed call. Call from 'Frankie Cell'". Well, how the fuck am I to know if I want to call my friggin voicemail if I don't know who its from? I mean, shit, voicemails are not all the same. The Boss's calls get returned within seconds, whereas Frankie, well, he likes to just waste my time (friggin rookie). He can wait.
3. While she sounds like a hot chick, that voicemail bitch wastes the fuck outta my time. When I go to my "messages" menu, I see Voicemail = 1. So I know I have one new voicemail message. When I call, this bimbo precedes to tell me "You have one new voicemail. The following message has not been heard" NO FUCKING SHIT, SHERLOCK! As if I was too stupid to see the fucking "1" on my menu, you have to have this broad tell me TWICE how many unread messages I have? Get to the fucking messages already!
4. Your competitors all have some form of unlimited text messaging--weather it be unlimited for $5/month like Cellular South or unlimted to "in" customers like Verizon. You, on the otherhand are stealing $20 a month just to get 2000 text messages. With all my neighbors on unlimited plans, I can get to 2000 pretty quick, so you start charging me $0.03 per message...that adds up fast, too. Ya cheap fuckin bastards.
Finally, I would like to wish all of you at Cingular Wireless a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! May Santa see past your cheap acts and grant you stockings full of joy. May your New Year be prosperous. May you hire some programs who know what the fuck their doing and fix all my problems....cuz I know where you live and I have a bullet with your name on it!
Johnny "Clamps"
posted by John at 11:02 AM
5 Comments:
Johnny, you of all people should understand the binding nature of a "contract". I'm sure your "customers" would prefer a painless death yet you are obligated to make it scary and painful. Same shit, different "company".
I must say Number Three chaps my ass also. Sometimes I want to fling poo at innocent bystanders as I wait for that silly woman to finish her absurd speech.
Aside from eliminating people do you have a sideline? Writing poison pen letters for people in need?
I need a letter. Please. Please address it to
Apple Computers
California
Thank you.
Monkey, Johnny "Clamps" doesn't eliminate people. He just gives them offers they can't refuse. Very persuasive, that Hitman J. Flinging poo is just as effective as a fierce letter-writing campaign. Me, I just throw fits.
Hey! It's Thursday already. Where's the word verifier gathering?
Brad at 12:15 am
Brad is the early bird, looking for his worm. Indeed.
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